Why is it that about the time you think, "Hey, I made it through the rough part, and I am okay", something happens to knock you through a loop and back into the spiral of depression and sadness? It has been a year and almost 2 months since John earned his angel wings and for the most part the last month or so didn't seem so bad, though I miss him every day and think of him almost every minute, my moods were stabilized and I was thinking that, hey, okay, the hard part is over. Then, the one person in my family that can really just drive me nuts, decides to go live with her dad, my ex, and lets me know she blames me for having to move over there because I wouldn't let her move back in here because of the things she chooses to do. That I didn't do enough to help her find a job, or anything else for that matter. She knew what a hit it would be on me, for her to move back over there since he had hit her before, and left her more or less homeless when she turned 18, and made her do things illegal to make ends meet. I am so scared for her, but also I am scared for me. I know she is an adult and has to make her choices, and make her own way through her life, and I can handle that and the knowledge that she may or may not do something that is illegal or immoral. Everyone has to make their life their own way, and I realise that. But what scares me most is the fear of losing her in a more final way, death. I just do not know if I can handle that emotionally or spiritually right now. I am unsure of my strength as a christian to bear another hit like that. I know God has a plan, and can see the "Big Picture", and that everything happens according to that. I know I love Him and I have faith in his works, but I am scared of the strength of my faith not being enough yet since my return to God is in a so called juvenile stage. I just pray that God gives me the strength I need to get through this. The last day or two have been so hard, the tears just pour out at the slightest thing, I am having trouble sleeping again, and I am just so unsure. I hate this feeling, and I am trying to deal with it, but man it has been one of those really rough patches. I have been told that things like this will happen, and I know I will always have some of these feelings. But when does it really get better? When will I feel normal again? When, When, When... the questions just go on. I don't know the answers, and I don't know if the answer will ever come, but I just pray for the strength and comfort I need from God right now. Lord, please help me with dealing with these emotions, I feel like I am drowning in them.
Well, I pray everyone out there in blog land is having a much better day than me, and I pray that my friends fighting FA, or cancer, or any other issues will be guided by God's loving hands.
May God bless you.
Until next time,
Judy
Really missing my boy.
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