It's been another month

Well, it has been another month, and I am still working for the GED office. It is part-time, but at least I still have a job. I have applied for another job, but haven't heard anything back from it. I would love to keep the job I have, but I need a full time job, with benefits would be nice. But I will take what the Good Lord gives me, and I will be thankful with what I have. When he wants me to find another job, he will lead me to it. 

I find myself sometimes getting very melancholy lately. I miss John so very much this time of the year. I know that he is no longer in pain, and I know that God called him home, but the human side of me just wishes I could have one more hug from his precious arms. Just one more,"I love you, mommy," from his precious lips. One more glimpse of that twinkle of mischeviousness in his beautiful brown eyes. I try not to dwell on all that, because I know that it just opens the heartache that I feel every day wide open. I go on with life, because  that is just what I have to do. I take every day as the blessing it is, but still wonder what he would have been like as a 16 year old boy, who he would like, would he have a girlfriend and if so what kind of girl she would be. All the pondering of what things would be like are useless, I know, but a mother that looses their child just can't help but wonder. Or at least I can't help but wonder about these things. But life goes on, and so must I. At least until it is my turn to be called to the Lord.

Until the next post, I pray that God blesses and keeps you all safe and happy.

Judy

Well, there are only a little over two more months in this year. It seems like this year has just flown by. I graduated from the tech school with 2 diplomas, and I have been working for the adult education program through the tech school since graduation. It has been a temporary job, but I fell in love with it none the less. Today was my last day, or at least it may have been. The lady that was out that I was covering for is coming back Monday, so unless they find another position for me then I will be out looking for another job. I won't know until my supervisor calls me or I go in Monday morning whichever comes first. I am praying for them to find me a position, but it will be up to the Good Lord to make the call. He is in control. I have realized while going through all the things during John's treatment and since his death that no matter how much we think we are in control, or try to convince ourselves that we are in control, we are not. God is in control. We control our actions, and have free will, but he is in control of the results of our actions and the results of other's actions in our lives. I am so comforted to know that He is always there for me, and that if I let him guide me and I follow His laws, in the end I will live with Him in the glory of heaven. I feel sorry for those that haven't learned that yet, and I pray that they will realize it before it is to late.

May He bless you all as He has me!

Judy

In honor of John's Birthday.

This, Too, Shall Pass Away

By: Lanta Wilson Smith

When some great sorrow, like a mighty river,

Flows through your life with peace-destroying power,

And dearest things are swept from sight forever,

Say to your heart each trying hour:

"This, too, shall pass away."

When ceaseless toil has hushed your song of gladness,

And you have grown almost too tired to pray,

Let this truth banish from your heart its sadness,

And ease the burdens of each trying day:

"This, too, shall pass away."

When fortune smiles, and, full of mirth and pleasure,

The days are flitting by without a care,

Lest you should rest with only earthly treasure,

Let these few words their fullest import bear:

"This, too, shall pass away."

When earnest labor brings you fame and glory,

And all earth's noblest ones upon you smile,

Remember that life's longest, grandest story

Fills but a moment in earth's little while:

"This, too, shall pass away."

Today would have been my son, John's, sixteenth birthday.  I miss him still, just like the day he passed away. I try not to let it get me down, but I still have those days that really get to me.  But I was at my new job, I started about 5 weeks ago, and I was getting some things ready for my supervisor when I came upon the poem that is above, and a peace came over me. I thought in honor of my precious son, I would post it here so that maybe someone else's pain might be eased as well.

I love and miss you son!

May God bless us all!

Judy

September 6, 2011

Well, it has been a while, but I am still around. I graduated from Tennessee Technology Center with 2 diplomas on August 23, and took a temporary job with Adult Education through the Tech school on August 22. I am enjoying being in the labor force. It is work that I went to school for and a good work experience, and I plan on keeping it until they don't need me any more.

B.J. started her senior year, man does that make me feel old. She will be 18 in a few more months.
John would have been 16 on the 25th of this month had he not went to be with the Lord in Heaven.
Becky is still working and doing well, and Brad may be deploying soon.  He would have already deployed had he not broke his foot a few days before deployment. But it is healing and he may be going overseas real soon.

Well, that is about all I have to say for now. May God Bless You All!
Judy

Another day of class

Well, another day of class is nearing its end, and I am so glad. I only have about 4 and 1/2 more weeks, and I will graduate. I need to be working on my cover letter, thank you letter, and thank you card. I also need to be printing examples of my work, but oh well, I can do all that this weekend. I am glad for the weekend to be here, I need a break from this stuff for a day or two. I hope to find a job pretty soon, but I have faith that I will get one when the Good Lord is ready for me to have one.

It is hard for me to believe that it has been 4 1/2 years since John passed away. Sometimes I feel like it just happened. That I just came home without him from Vanderbilt, but it isn't so. My heart still aches for his smile, loving arms, and sense of humor. I know he is in a better place, but that just leaves me here without him.

B.J. and I are at each other's throats at least every 3 days. I will be glad when we get through this difficult time and can be closer again. I miss when she was little. She and I were as close as could be until I had to go to Vanderbilt with John and had to leave her at home so that she could continue her schooling and such. I sometimes wonder that if I had taken her with me how things would be now. I know that we did things the right way, but there is always that doubt in my mind.

Brad will be deployed soon. It seems unreal that he will be so very far away. I feel almost like I am loosing another child. I know he will be okay, if that is God's will, but my fears still get the better of me sometimes. I guess I still need to work on my faith more, huh.

Becky is still doing well. Working hard, that is for sure, I just wish her husband would take a notion to find a job and help pay the bills. I hate to say it, but he is starting to really remind me of my ex-husband, and that is not a good thing. He buys her things to make her feel good, but at the turn of a dime, he will say things to make her doubt herself and feel bad about herself. Just like Charles always did me. I just pray that he will grow up, and treat my daughter the way she deserves to be treated.

Joe and I are doing well, just trying to make ends meet until I can graduate and get a good job. I worry about him, as he doesn't really take good care of himself. He takes care of all of us as best he can, but he doesn't take care of himself. I guess life insurance is the first thing I need to start after getting a job.

Well that about wraps it up here. I need to get ready to go home.

May God bless and keep you safe, happy and loved.
Judy

Hello again

Hello again, it has been quite a while since I posted. I have been pretty busy, but thought I would take the time today to post an update.

I had my surgery and it went well. Pathology came back OK, and I went back to school in a reasonable amount of time. I got caught up and even got a little more ahead. I have 2 more tests until I am done with one of my third trimester books, and the second trimester isn't even done yet. I have today and tomorrow, and then awards day and I will have the 2ND trimester over with. I have a 97 average, and will receive another academic award as well as my Information data processing certificate. One more trimester and I will get my Accounting Assistant Diploma, if all goes well.

The family is doing good, and I am very happy. This past week has been tough. It was the 4Th Anniversary of John's passing, and it was a tough one. Watching the kids that John was close to at church doing their LLL stuff was a real rough time for me. I couldn't help think that he should be up there with them. And also wondering what he would look like now, and who he would be friends with, and how he would be doing in school. It really sucks sometimes being a mom who lost one of her kids to a disease like he had. I sometimes feel that people don't understand and that they just expect me to "get over it" and I just can't do that. It isn't easy at all. I don't think I will ever be quite the same again. But I will go on and try to make him very proud of his mom.

I will finish school,

I will get a job,

I will help his sister get through,

And I will go on.

I don't really have a choice, do I?

But I will be "okay" and life will go on. So may God bless us all!

Judy

Another Day

Well, today is just another day in this cold winter God has decided to grant us. We have had a lot of cold days and snow too. But what will be will be. I will be having surgery soon, a hysterectomy, because of fibroid tumors. I am a little scared, not because of the type of surgery but because of the fact that I am diabetic and asthmatic and that could cause difficulties with the surgery as well as recovery. Hopefully I will be able to have the procedure lapriscopically (sp?), but we will see.

School is going well, I have a 98 average overall. I have finished Accounting I, Microsoft Word, and almost done with Excel. I will then only have PowerPoint and Access to finish this trimester up. Then it will be Accounting II, Quickbooks, Payroll procedures, and Your Career, I think that is all of them for the 3rd trimester.

Hopefully I won't get behind during my leave of absence for my surgery. Well, it is time for me to do something other than play here.
God Bless,
Judy

life

Well school is going well, I have a 99.5 average for the trimester so far. I have finished accounting I and Microsoft Word 2007, and I have Excel, PowerPoint, and Access left to do. I already have my third trimester books so that if I finish this trimesters books early, I will be able to go ahead and word on the others.

Life outside of school is not as good at this point. Finances are really bad, and I am not sure how I am going to get to school, or how the bills will be paid. I just hope that our income tax return comes in quickly so that we can get our bills caught up.

I am missing John so much these days that I am in a constant state of tears, and really have to focus on something else to keep from letting them flow. If it ever starts I do not know how I am going to stop them. In a couple of months it will have been 4 years since he died. Four years since I have seen his precious face, and heard his loving voice tell me he loves me. They say that it is supposed to get easier, but here lately it seems to be getting harder instead. Nobody really knows how much it is bothering me, I refuse to let anyone in on it. It seems like when I try to talk to my "friends" about it their eyes glaze over and it is like they are tired of hearing my sadness. I don't feel like I can talk to my family about it because I don't want to burden them with it, they have enough on their own plates to deal with. I was able to go to church services on Wednesday, and it seemed like I didn't have much support there either. Or at least not as much as I used to. May be my imagination, may not be, that is just how it felt to me.

I know that God has a plan, and that he will guide me, but I just feel almost like my faith is withering like a flower without water. God help me, touch my heart and heal it to where I can be happy again without feeling guilty about it. I need your comforting arms.

May God bless all of us that have lost someone near and dear to our hearts.
Judy

Back to school

Yeah, school is back in full swing. Already took a test, in accounting chapter 7, and made a 99! Yeah me. And I am half way through chapter 8, and should be ready to test again around Thursday. Then I will have one more chapter and I will have accounting 1 completed. I have about decided that I like the accounting, and I am going for the diploma in accounting, Accounting Assistant, as well as Administrative Assistant. Then if I can't get a job, and can continue to get financial aid, I will try to get the 2 medical diplomas (Medical Administrative Assistant, and Medical Coding/Health Insurance Specialist) Then I will just have to keep looking for a job until I get one. And when God is ready for me to have a job he will help me to find it.

I am glad that I am back at school, I think this Christmas season was the hardest so far since John passed away. I think part of it was because Brad and Tiff moved to Texas because that is where Brad is stationed in the Army. I had a hard time trying to keep from getting so depressed that I didn't want to get up out of bed or do anything. Nobody really knows just how bad a time I had this year. I tried to hide it because I know there are some people who would think, "Okay, it has been three years now, move on already." But if they only knew, but I wouldn't wish the experience on my worst enemy, let alone a friend.

Well, it is getting late, and I need to make sure that B.J. gets up for school tomorrow.
Til next time, God Bless you all,
Judy