Hello

Well, hello again. It has been a little while but there really hasn't been to much to post. The only happenings besides regular daily things is my birthday which was on the 7Th. I turned 45 years old, and my loving husband gave me the best card with a note inside it plus a great present. It was a Polaroid digital picture frame. I have been uploading some pictures on it and it has made me a little melancholy, with all the pictures of John before and during his treatment as well as my other children. Pictures of my oldest son during his wedding, which are hard to look at because he is in the middle of a divorce. Pictures of my girls growing into such wonderful young ladies, at least they are wonderful most of the time. Of course they are still young enough to give me grief sometimes, but they are such treasures. But the hardest part is the memories of John during treatment. I still miss him SO much, and I wish I could have more pictures. It just saddens me sometimes to think as I continue to collect my pictures of family and friends I won't have new ones of John. That really hurts, the thought of more and more pictures of the rest of us, but only having the ones I have right now of John. I know, I am babbling, but I just can't put into words exactly how it feels. Proud for the rest of my family, but sadness about John. It just drives me a little batty sometimes. Tomorrow is mothers day, and though I will see my other 3 children during the day tomorrow, John will just be in my heart and memories. I long to see him as a 13 year old young man, becoming a teen, starting to like the girls and all that, but I will never get to see him in those stages. I sometimes find myself thinking what if. What if I had made different decisions with his medical care, what if I had not decided to turn off life support when I did, and all kinds of other what ifs. I know in my heart that I made the choices I had to, but sometimes my head just wonders if the outcome would have been different if I had made different decisions. I know that all this is normal, the feelings I am feeling are "a part of the grieving" but sometimes it is just so hard. I look forward to going to school in September not only because it is something that I want to do, but because then I won't have as much time to think about the what ifs. Oh well, now you all know that I am not in as much control of the emotions as it seems in person.

The rest of my birthday was great, the Russian class that I have been going to at the church sang "Happy Birthday" to me in Russian, which was so great. And so many friends and family sent cards, or posts on my facebook page. I am so blessed to have such great friends, family and brothers and sisters in Christ. God has blessed me in so many ways. My husband, my children, my family, and my friends. What else does one really need anyway? God will provide what we need, the extras are just more blessings and are great, but I have come to realize that the best blessings are our God, our Family and our Friends. As long as we have God, the rest will be taken care of.

Thankful for Gods blessings,
Judy