Happy New Year

Well, in about 45 minutes a new year will begin. I am having some mixed feelings about it all, but life goes on. I am a little down about the fact that this will be the first year in 12 years that will not have John here on earth with me. But then again, after the hard year we just had with his death and all that has followed, I am kinda looking forward to the beginning of a new year with new challenges that don't involve Transplant recovery. I know that may sound odd, but I know John is in a much better place than I am, or that of any of us here on earth, and the complications that he had were hard on him physically, but hard on me emotionally. So, on to another year, striving to make him proud of his mom, participating in Church activities, trusting God to lead the way, and making sure that my family is dealing with their feelings as well. So, wish us luck and a happy New Year, and know that I am praying for everyone out there to have a great year full of faith, love, good health, and much happiness.
God Bless,
Judy

Well, here we are, just about ready to start a new year. 3 more days and it will be 2008, and a New Year will start with John not in it. In a way I am ready for a new year, but then again, it will be the first year since 1995 that John will not be here at all except in spirit. I know it seems weird, but I feel almost worse with this "holiday" than with Christmas. In a way, I don't want the new year to start, and then again, after all that happened in 2007, with John's death and all the firsts after that, I am ready to have a better year. There are still a few firsts to go through, the first Easter, the first Valentines, and the First Anniversary of his death, but on we go and we just try to get through it. I still am not sleeping to well, I was up last night not able to sleep and just seeing his picture brought tears to my eyes, and I am still teary eyed today. I am watching a friends little boy today, he is 3, and I am finding it a little hard sometimes. He tends to think he is the boss, and he acts like he is about 7 and I get frustrated easily right now. He is a good kid, but you can definitely tell he is spoiled rotten at home and thinks he can tell the adults what to do, so I have to remind him that I the boss and that he has to mind me. I also have to remind myself that just because he talks and acts like he is older, he is only 3 and may not realize what he is saying. Just kinda hard to deal with right now, but I can manage, just keep telling my self to just breathe.
Well, B.J. is 14 now, we had cake and ice-cream last night and celebrated her birthday. It is hard to believe that she is almost old enough to drive. She is growing up so fast. I just pray she stays healthy and doesn't grow up to fast. I still need my little girl for a while, I missed so much while I was away with John's transplant and all. I feel almost guilty about that. Sometimes life for moms isn't all fun and games, you know what I mean? She is great though and that is was matters.
Becky is doing okay in her new place, and my son is doing okay as well.
So that about does it for today, May God bless and keep us all,
Live, Laugh, and Love, and thank God for the blessings in our lives,
Judy

I made it through another first.

Well, it is 10:30pm on Christmas night, and I have made it through another first without John. It was a great day, my oldest daughter stayed the night, and my son Brad and his wife came over this morning and we had breakfast together and visited for a while and gave and received gifts. The kids then went to my mom's house, then my parents and sister came over for a little while when they brought B.J. back home. My parents understood that I needed to stay at my house and deal with my emotions and the day, though very emotional at times, was good. I had a few teary moments, and my husband and I had a few tense moments, then we would realize that we were just venting and apologized to each other, hugged and supported each other, and made it through one of the harder firsts so far, besides his birthday that is. Today was a celebration of Christ, and I am so thankful that God gave him to us all, but it is also about family and friends and holding them close and letting them know we love them. Our minister at Church said that Christmas actually means the celebration and worship of Christ, and I said a prayer of thanks for Christ today as well as a prayer for my family as well as all of my friends near and far, for their support during John's transplant and his death. Without all of you, I don't know if I would have made it. Thank you all. And remember, Live, Laugh, Love, and let the ones you love know how you feel, for you never know what tomorrow brings. Never go to bed angry, hug and kiss your kids as often as they will let you, and thank the Good Lord for all the blessings he gives us all every day.
God Bless, and may it be Christmas every day,
Judy

Merry Christmas!

Hello all! It is Christmas Eve and I wanted to post to say Merry Christmas to all, and Happy New Year. Our Christmas Celebrations are going okay. Becky is staying the night and Brad and his wife are coming over in the morning, so my kids will be here for a while at least. We went ahead and opened our gifts tonight, and tomorrow will be about Christ and family. It is hard, I will not lie about that, but with my other children around and my husband by my side, we will be okay. John is with me in spirit, and I pray he knows how much I love him and miss him.
Merry Christmas!
Judy

Only 5 more days

It is hard to believe that it is only 5 more days until we celebrate the birth of Christ with Christmas. Sometimes I find it hard to believe that the year is almost gone and a New Year will soon start, this one being the first full year without my baby. I miss him so much. I am trying to honor him by living life and taking one day at a time, but to be honest with myself and others I must admit that I am finding it harder and harder every passing day not to just sit and cry, and wonder why. Why my child had to die before me, why my young daughter must feel the pain of loss at such a tender age, just why? I know that God has a plan, and I know that John is with him and in a much better place than any of us, and I am thankful that John isn't in any pain any more. But I am human, so the selfish part of me misses him so bad that it literally hurts. I am not sleeping well again, and that doesn't help much either. But I still pray to God for peace and I know that it will be better someday.

My Becky is now in her own place. I am proud, and I hated to "push" her out, but it was time she learned to depend on herself and pay her own way. Also, she needed to feel independent and know that she could do it. I think it will help her to understand how I felt when she was living here, and it will also help her self esteem as well.

B.J. is doing okay, she has two friends over and I think that is part of her way of dealing with missing John. But it doesn't help me much with all the noise and stuff. But I love her and she needs this right now, so I will deal with it.

Well, I need to go for now,
God bless you all,
Judy

Ups and downs.

Well, school is out for B.J. until after the new year, and Christmas is just a week away. Sometimes it seems that time is just flying by, and at other times it is just crawling by. emotions are like a roller coaster ride around here, which is to be expected or at least that is what people keep telling me. One minute I am up, the next I am down. I know it is all part of the grieving process, but I think it is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. But one day at a time is how I will make it, with God and my family at my side.

Becky is about moved into her place and I am very proud of her. She has just about all she needs and is getting very excited about it. She is a little afraid of being by herself, but time and independence will change that I am sure.

Well, have a great day, and may God bless and Keep you all,
Judy

Hello

Well, it is official, Becky signed for her apartment today, and we got the electricity turned on as well. She will be moving in over the weekend. I am proud of her and glad that she will be on her own and that we won't have to fight all the time around here because she doesn't want to follow my rules, but then again, I am kinda missing her already. I love her so much, and just want her to be able to be on her own and take care of herself.

B.J. is doing well, her knees are better and she isn't complaining about pain anymore. She is starting to do the teen thing, not wanting to do as she is asked to do, and huffing and puffing about being asked to do anything. But when I remind her that kind of behavior will only bring her punishment and she won't be able to have friends over and that her pets will have to leave, she straightens up and apologizes. I guess I will just have to be a little firmer with her. Her grades are good so far, and she is still in Beta Club, so the only problems seem to be her not wanting to do her fair share around the house. Typical teen behavior, my third child and it is the same thing.

I am doing okay, I somehow hurt my shoulder and it started hurting real bad yesterday morning. I went to the doctor today, but they couldn't tell me to much but after they manipulated my arm and shoulder and had me in tears from pain, I came home and took a nap and it was feeling better when I got up even though I didn't get the scripts filled yet. I will be taking them in the morning to be filled and my husband will pick them up when he gets paid tomorrow evening. Oh yeah, they added another med for high blood pressure too. Great another bill. That was what had me in tears the most, I hate being a financial burden on my husband. I can't get insurance, and we have to pay cash for the doctor visits and the meds. But I am not emotionally ready to go to work yet either. I have been a little more depressed lately and that leads me to eating to much and I have gained 10+ pounds in the last 3 months. I need to loose weight to get my BP, diabetes, and stuff under control but I have been gaining instead. Needless to say, that doesn't help me feel better either. Sometimes I feel like I am spiraling out of control, but I can't let it happen. I have responsibilities, such as my daughter. Oh well, God will take care of it as long as I hand it over to him and have faith.

Well, that about does it for now,
God Bless,
Judy

Just another day.

Hello all, today has just been another day. My asthma has been flaring up quite a bit the last couple days, but so far I have been able to keep it under control. We had a good sermon at church today, I enjoyed it a lot. It made sense and touched my heart, that always makes for a good sermon.

B.J. is doing good. She is starting to express her feelings a little more, especially on her web page, about missing John and stuff. I think the web page is one of the best things she has done to vent, and I am very proud of her.

Becky may be getting an apartment soon, I am looking forward to her having her own place so that I don't have to fuss at her so much. She can do as she pleases without having to make me mad. We will have to help her furnish it, but hey, we can find her some decent things I am sure.

Well, that about does it for now, May God bless and keep you all,
Judy

Hard time of the year.

Well, it has been about a week since I posted. Of course things have been up and down emotionally for me. I miss John so much that sometimes I just can't help but to just sit and cry, but then I feel better and go on. The Funeral Home here had a candle lighting ceremony for all the families who lost a loved one this year. It was so touching, and good, but hard at the same time. I don't know how to explain the feelings I had, because they were so up and down that night. We got to keep the candle and bring it home, and they also made an ornament for the families to put on their trees, they were all angels with the names of the loved one on the back as well as the year of birth and death on the back. I will have it on my tree every year. We also got an ornament from Wal-Mart that we had engraved in memory of John and it had a place for a picture too. So John's face is on my tree too.

I do not understand sometimes, why innocent children have to go through so much pain and death, but I know God has a plan, I just sometimes wish I could understand a little more. I know that he gave me my children as gifts to love and care for until he called them home, I just never thought that one of my children would be called back so soon. So my advice to any parents who may be reading this, love your children like there is no tomorrow. Take care of them, and teach them of the Love that God has for all who love and believe in him and his son Jesus who came and died so that we may find a place in heaven with them. Never take time for granted, and try not to say "In a little while" to them. Do what you can with your children while you can, because even if they are blessed with a long life, they grow up and move out on their own. Also take time to let your friends and family know how much you love them. Smile and spread good will, even if it isn't Christmas time. Help someone with a door, smile and tell people to have a great day, do what you can for others, it will make you feel better too.

Well, off my soap box. I am dealing as best I can, and with time and faith, I will be okay.
May God bless and keep you all,
Judy