I am a proud mom today!

B.J. came home from school today with a certificate for making top 5 in her graduating class. She is 3rd in her class, and I am SOOOO proud of her. I wasn't even close to top 10, so I am very happy for her and hope she continues to keep such good grades and things so that when she graduates in 2012, that she can get enough scholarships for college. Man I am just overflowing with happiness, it is unreal.

I am worried about my son Brad. He and his wife are headed toward a divorce. They have been married for 2 and a half years, and have decided that they are not happy with each other. I am not sure how I feel about it all. I wish they would seek some counseling, or something first. Maybe even a separation first, to see if they could work it out. But I don't think that is going to happen. But it is their lives, so all I can do is support him as best as I can.

Well, that is about it for now, so I will go. Got to get ready for Russian class. I will post again sometime later.

God bless,
Judy

Hello again

Hello again! Just a little note to let every one know that I am still around. I am going to be going to the tech school probably tomorrow to see if I can find out if I am going to school in May or September. I am getting anxious to start school, and also a little afraid of starting. The sooner I find out, and can start planning and actually start going the better I will feel, I think anyway.

I have been doing the same things. Mainly sitting around the house, but also participating in a Russian Class at the church. The Missionaries that the church sponsors in Russia has to come home for 3 months. Russian laws have changed to where missionaries have to spend 3 months out of Russia, for every 3 months in the Russia. Our church also participates in the Lad's to Leaders/Leaderettes program, and they have a second language program, so the Pfaffs are now teaching us Russian Bible verses and some things that if we were to ever meet a person from Russia, we could at least help them or understand what they need a little better. I may never use the knowledge that I am attaining, but I am enjoying it very much. I don't have anyone to study with after classes, but hey, I am still giving it my best and enjoying the time in class, and with the teens that I am taking the class with. They are doing so well, and I am very proud of them.

Well, tonight I have church, so I had better get the roast on and get some stuff done around here so that we won't be overwhelmed trying to get it all done before church or after we get home. Take care and God bless,

Judy

Hello all.

Well, it has been a little while, but things are okay here. The Ronald McDonald house telethon was Saturday, and it was good. My husband and I did cry during the clip that I taped. They edited parts of the last telethon that John and I did, and it even had his voice on it. When we heard his voice, that just about did us in. But it was good, and I hope that it help to raise money for the RMH. That was my reason for doing it, to try to inspire people to donate to this great place.

Other than that I am just waiting to find out when I start school. If there is an opening during the summer trimester, I will start May 4Th, but if there isn't an opening, it will be September 1st. I am hoping for May, the sooner I get in, the sooner I will graduate and hopefully get a good job with decent benefits. A start at a more financially stable future for me and my family, that is my goal. Plus getting a job, or career, that I can enjoy, be proud of, and that will allow us to get some things we want, not just what we need. I wish I would have thought of all this stuff when I was younger, but I wouldn't change a thing because that would change my family, and kids, and I don't want that.

Well that is about it for now, May God bless us all.
Judy

Well, today has been better than I expected. I am still a little emotional, but it is okay. I helped a friend this morning, she is a teacher and Tcaps (state mandated testing) are this week, so I went and helped her in her class. My "job" was to help keep the kids focused on the test. She only has 5 kids in her class during the testing, and I mainly helped one of them to stay focused on the test. After that, my mom and I went out and bought a flower arrangement for John's head stone and we visited the grave site for a while. My husband met us out there. I still try to keep busy so that I won't focus on the fact that I miss him.

Other than that, I haven't done to much. Tonight is Church, I look forward to the Wednesday night Ladies Bible class. We are learning about becoming more like Christ by studying the "B-attitudes" and it is a very interesting book. The ladies that attend the class are just wonderful ladies and I admire each and every one of them.

Well that about does it for now, I will post again some other time.
God bless you all,
Judy

Wow, it is so hard to believe.....

Tomorrow, at around 12 o'clock in the afternoon, it will be 2 years since my son lost his battle with Fanconi Anemia, and complications from his bone marrow transplant. Two years since I had to make the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life, to stop life support. I find myself feeling more down and close to tears as the days count down. I still check on a lot of other kids that have FA and have gone through transplant, and made it, or haven't had their transplant yet, and most of the time I am glad to see that more and more of them are making it through the treatment. But then there are other times that I can't check on the ones that are doing well because I get to feeling jealous, wondering why my son had to die from it all. Why didn't he make it through? I know that God has taken him home to be in heaven, but the selfish part of me wants him back. I miss him as much as the day he died, and I think that I will always miss him so much that my heart actually aches from wanting him here with me. I sometimes wonder what he would be like now. He would be 13 years old now, a teenager. He would be almost through the 7Th grade. Would his voice be changing yet, or would he be starting to get facial hair. Would he be starting to notice the girls, and would he be so shy that he couldn't talk to them, or would he be confident enough to just go up to them and start talking to them. I see other kids his age doing some of these things and it makes me miss him even more. I just hope that with more time, I will be able to think about these things without getting so down and upset, with tears flowing down my face. Only time will tell.
May God bless us all,
Judy

Well, things are going a little better here. I am dealing with the feelings better now. Other than the boy I baby sit still being just awful, and not minding, things are going a little smoother. I think it helped that Becky and I went out and had a good day away from home. We got back before she had to be in school, and we laughed so hard and for so long just being goofy, that I thought my cheeks would cramp up on me! It was so fun just goofing off and being silly for a while. I always heard that laughter is the best medicine, and I do believe that it is some pretty powerful stuff! HA! I recommend that everyone try it for a while, just be silly and goofy and laugh! See if it helps you like it did me.

Well, tomorrow is Easter Sunday here, and after Church we are going to my moms to have lunch together as a family. I am looking forward to it, that is for sure.

Well, that is about it for now, May God bless you all!
Judy

Sometimes I really wish I could just go and find a cave to crawl into and hide! I am about aggravated with the 4 year old that I am watching today. He won't behave, he keeps trying to push my buttons and I am having a hard time not bending him over my knee and spanking him like he is my own kid. I really am getting angry with him. Thank goodness that I don't have him tomorrow!!!!!! I don't think I could handle it at all.

Other than that things are about the same, just trying to work through the feelings I get during this time of year. It is almost like a count down, but instead of it being a count down to something good, it is a countdown to a bad memory. The memory of loosing my little John, to the day that God called him home and away from me. The day my heart was shattered into a million pieces. For most Americans it is just known as tax day, the day that income tax returns are supposed to be done. But to me it is the 15TH, the day my son died. The closer that day gets, the more on edge I feel, the more agitated I get, and the more I just want to find that cave and hide forever. I know he is "in a better place", but that doesn't mean that it is any easier for me. It is just not right for a parent to have to bury their child.

God help me through this, please.
Judy

Hello again.

Hello again. I know, it has been a while, but the only thing I can say is that Spring seems to be one of the hardest times for me. Mainly April, and of course September. I have been thinking about John a lot lately, and have been struggling a little with some depression. But I am managing it, with the help of a lot of friends shoulders to cry on. It is just so hard to believe that in 12 days it will be 2 years since my little boy died. I think it really hit home when I found out that a young lady at Church is expecting about that time. It is just hard. I miss him bringing me the daffodils and tulips that are bent over from my yard and giving them to me. I just see them in the yard and tears come to my eyes. I know, this is all normal, but it still hurts. To be honest, IT SUCKS!!!!!!!! He would be 13 now, an actual teenager, had he made it through his treatment. I know he is no longer hurting, and is healed in heaven, but my heart is still broken, and I sometimes wonder if it will ever be any better. I know I will always love him and miss him, but will it ever be easy to see other people that are the age he would be and not lose it in one way or another? Spring used to be one of my favorite seasons, now I just don't know how I feel about it. Spring to me used to be about things coming back to life, turning green and all, but now it reminds me of the death of my baby boy. Man this really sucks sometimes. God help me, my strength isn't to good right now.
Till next time,
May God bless us all,
Judy