Wow, it is so hard to believe.....

Tomorrow, at around 12 o'clock in the afternoon, it will be 2 years since my son lost his battle with Fanconi Anemia, and complications from his bone marrow transplant. Two years since I had to make the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life, to stop life support. I find myself feeling more down and close to tears as the days count down. I still check on a lot of other kids that have FA and have gone through transplant, and made it, or haven't had their transplant yet, and most of the time I am glad to see that more and more of them are making it through the treatment. But then there are other times that I can't check on the ones that are doing well because I get to feeling jealous, wondering why my son had to die from it all. Why didn't he make it through? I know that God has taken him home to be in heaven, but the selfish part of me wants him back. I miss him as much as the day he died, and I think that I will always miss him so much that my heart actually aches from wanting him here with me. I sometimes wonder what he would be like now. He would be 13 years old now, a teenager. He would be almost through the 7Th grade. Would his voice be changing yet, or would he be starting to get facial hair. Would he be starting to notice the girls, and would he be so shy that he couldn't talk to them, or would he be confident enough to just go up to them and start talking to them. I see other kids his age doing some of these things and it makes me miss him even more. I just hope that with more time, I will be able to think about these things without getting so down and upset, with tears flowing down my face. Only time will tell.
May God bless us all,
Judy