Well....

Well, today has been one of those days. I was sitting, and watching a movie and all of a sudden, the thought popped into my head that in 15 days my son would have been 15 had he lived through his disease and treatment. Then the tears started falling uncontrollably. I am still tearing up and have to try to pull myself together so that I can go to school, and get some studying done. Deep in my heart I know that he is in a much better place, but that doesn't change the fact that there is a big, no HUGE, hole in my heart and I miss him so much. I wonder sometimes what he would be like as a teen. What kind of girl would he like? And how much of a pain in my butt he would be as a teen testing his boundaries? Would he be like the rest of his siblings and cause me a lot of late nights crying myself to sleep, or would he have been the one that wouldn't get to out of control and make his mom cry? I guess these are some questions that will never be answered, and I really don't need to dwell on them, but it is so difficult not to wonder. Most days, though I miss him terribly, I can keep on with my life and be okay with it, but then there are some days that it really hits me hard. So hard that I just want to crawl back into bed and just cry until I am so exhausted that I can't cry, or anything else, any more, and today is one of those days. But I will go on, I will do everything I can to make my angel John proud of me, and do everything I can do to be right with God so that when it is my turn to be called to my loving Saviors side, He will say to me, "Well done my good and faithful Child" and I can live with him in Heaven for eternity. God grant me the serenity to accept the things that can not be changed, the strength to change the things that can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

God bless you all,
Judy