Hello all!

Hello all, just dropping a line and letting everyone know I am doing okay. The survey we took about how we are handling the death of John was pretty emotional, I think my husband and B.J. were crying as much as I was, but we made it through and I think in the long run it might help the social workers that help families help those who lose someone to cope better and know how people can react. I know it made me think and helped just to do the survey, maybe because I know that it might help others down the road.

Well, Christmas is just around the corner now, and to be honest I am not yet in the spirit of things yet. B.J. wants to put up our tree, but I keep putting it off. I know it will remind me that John won't be here and he always enjoyed helping decorate the tree and the whole spirit of Christmas. We got a special ornament for the tree, it has a place for a picture to be added and we had "in memory of John" engraved on it. I told B.J. she could do all the decorating, but I was adding that one ornament. That way John could "hang around" the Christmas tree with us this year and every year if only in our hearts. I can tell you this, most of the time I am okay, and deal well with the fact that I have had a child of mine to die, and will never get to hold him again unless I get to heaven too. But the "firsts" , you know first Birthdays, first Thanksgiving, first Christmas, are the worst days for me. Just the thought of Christmas without my baby brings me to tears and I dread it so much, but I will not let it show to much. B.J. deserves to enjoy the holidays and to keep living happily. I know she misses him too, and she is dealing with it in her way, and if she can enjoy the hard days, well, I will just try to enjoy them with her, and not ruin it for her. I just hope I can do John proud and continue to deal with my losses and be a great mom to B.J. and also to be a good Christian woman as I know he would want. He was my world, especially during his transplant, but I must now find my way in the world without him. Man, this really is harder than anything in life, and I hate it!!!!!!! But God wouldn't have chose me for all of this if he didn't think I could deal with it, so I guess deal with it I will. Well, gotta go pick up my oldest daughter from work, so I will go for now.
May God bless you all,
Judy

Hello again!

Hello again, things are going okay here. We are all doing fine, just a little stuffy noses and such that goes with the weather here, but otherwise we are healthy. I have just been doing things around the house and visiting my friend that had the wreck on the 16Th today. Tonight we are having some people from Vanderbilt Children's come down, they are doing a friendship study on people who have lost a brother or child, and we told them we would be glad to do the study. Anything to help future families that have to deal with the loss of a loved one, is what I say. B.J. doesn't know exactly what it is about, she just knows it is a friendship study and she isn't to excited about it. She actually said she didn't want to do it, but I told her she needed to do it. It is also to see how the family is doing as far as dealing with John's death. I have to admit, now that the day is here for them to come, I am getting a little nervous, but I will be fine. Hey, I added a slide show of some of my favorite pictures at the bottom of the page, I hope you enjoy them. Anyway, I need to get ready for the study team, so I will go for now.
God bless,
Judy

Another first down...

Well, yesterday was the first Thanksgiving without my son, and I made it through. It got harder as the day went on, and I teared up on the way home from lunch with my parents, but the hardest part was late into the evening after everyone else was able to get to sleep and I couldn't get to sleep. I think I cried for almost 3 hours and then watched a movie. I didn't get to sleep until after 3am this morning. But I did make it and though it was hard, it was not as hard as I though it would be. I even felt up to picking out an ornament for our Christmas tree that we can put a picture of John in and had it engraved in memory of John. It is really going to be hard Christmas, but he will be there in my thoughts and in my heart and on my tree. My husband and I were talking and we are not really in the spirit to decorate for Christmas, but we know that John would want us to, and B.J. needs us to, so we will be decorating in the next couple days. Yes, I am still a little teary eyed today. One day, one hour, one minute at a time is how I am doing it. We had Thanksgiving dinner today with my husbands parents and our friend Brad, and it went well. We had a good time and made some good memories. Well, I am going to go, now I get to clean the kitchen from the good dinner. FUN!
God Bless,
Judy

Hello again

Well hello again. Yeah I know, it has been a little while since I posted, but I have been busy. I have been helping B.J. with her Lads to Leaders/Leaderettes web page a lot lately so therefore I don't have as much time online for myself. Also a friend of mine had a car wreck Friday and has a skull fracture and broken collar bone, and I have been worried about her and it made it hard for me to focus on things I like to do. She is out of the hospital now, but she is still weak, and I still worry about her. Becky is doing okay, and still working. I just wish we could find a place for her to live that she can afford. She needs to be out on her own.

Two more days until it is Thanksgiving, and the main thing I am thankful for is my family. Also that John is no longer in pain or sick, and he is in heaven with God fully healed. What more do I need? We have our health, our faith, and our family, God will take care of the rest too.

Hope you all are safe and happy,
God bless,
Judy

7 Months and it still feels like yesterday

Yes, it has been seven months since my John went home to God and earned his angel wings, but sometimes it still feels like yesterday. Yes, as you have guessed already, today is one of those teary eyed sad days for me. I imagine there will be quite a few more bad days ahead, but I will deal with them one day at a time and with Gods help and the help of family, friends and my church family, I will be okay and life goes on. I am looking forward to time with family next week at Thanksgiving dinner, but I will be missing John so much I just hope that I don't make it hard on everyone else. I am thankful that the rest of the family is doing okay and our health is good. I am also thankful that John is not in pain anymore and never will be. And most of all I am thankful that God chose me to be John's mom and that I was able to have him in my life for the 11 1/2 years that he was here with me.
John, I love you and miss you. I hope you know how much I love you still. Rest in peace my dear one, and enjoy your wings, you are free now to do as you and our Lord wishes.
Always remembering you,
Mom

If it isn't one thing...

Well, I am better and getting more energy every day. But now my oldest daughter has been kicked out of the house she was staying at and is living with me again. I love her dearly, but it has been less than 24 hours and she is already testing my nerves. She thinks she should be able to sleep all afternoon like she was the only one that didn't get much sleep last night and had to get up early and all. I wouldn't mind it to much if she wasn't having to sleep on the couch due to the fact that we had to give B.J. the mattress from the extra bed because hers had got to wore out and she needed a better one. So Becky has to sleep on my couch and I don't have a place to sit when she is doing that. Man, if it isn't one thing it is another, I get settled and something else happens. Sometimes I just ask myself what next. Oh well, with God I will get through it all. Whether I will have any sanity in the end is still left to be seen, HA! Oh well, time to fix supper.
God Bless,
Judy

Better now

Well, I am feeling better now. My allergies still seem to be acting up some, but at least there is no more chest discomfort and my energy is back as well. It took about 5 days to feel almost normal and that is unusual for me. I guess when I get sick I do a good job of it. Things are pretty peaceful around here. I am finding myself a little more down lately, but I think it is because I know that the holidays are approaching and I am missing John so much right now. My husband even said he wasn't in the Christmas mood this year, but he is going to have to fake it a little because we still have B.J. to think about and she loves the Christmas season. I am thankful that we are all okay and that John is no longer in pain and with God and Jesus in heaven, but I have to admit that it is harder to find the simple things to be thankful for this year. I haven't even asked my mom if we are having our family thanksgiving at her house this year. I don't know if I want to go be around the family this year or if I just want to fix for me, my husband and B.J. I guess I will figure it out in the next couple of days. I do know that Christmas day I am just staying home and having a Christmas dinner here for my family and if my oldest 2 kids want to come that is fine and if not the 3 of us will just have a nice day at home. I know that times are going to be hard the next couple months, but I also know that John is in my heart as is God and Jesus and I will make it through with my family and friends support. And if it gets to tough I know that Jesus will carry me through.
May God bless and keep you all,
Judy

Bad couple of days.

Hello all, sorry it has been so long since I posted. I started having chills Saturday night, then I started having some pain in my left chest so I went to the local ambulatory care center. My blood pressure was pretty high and they gave me a nitro tablet and since they don't have ex-ray after regular hours they sent me on my first ambulance ride to the hospital that is over in the next county. I spent almost 3 hours there to find out my EKG is normal, blood counts were normal, and urinalysis normal and they thought I have a virus that is causing some pleurisy that is causing the increase in blood pressure and pain in my chest. I don't know what it was, or I should say is since I am still feeling poorly, but I don't like it at all. I really hate being sick and feeling weak and not able to do things without getting really tired and having to sleep every couple hours to get my energy back. That is what I have been doing for the last few days is sleeping. My dearest Charisse, if you are reading this I want you to know that I have a new found respect for your strength. I know from your posts that you have a lot of illnesses that make it hard for you to keep your energy up and all, and I know now more closely how you feel and why sometimes you get anxious about it. I love you and respect you, and pray that you find your health in good standing and it stays that way.

The rest of the family has been great, my husband has been so sweet and taking care of us all. He made soup and has been doing the housework after working all day while I try to get over this bug. He is such a good man, and husband and father. Even though he was tired as all get out last night, when he found out that B.J. needed to go to the store, he took her instead of going to bed like he normally does at that time. He is my hero that is for sure.

Well, I need to try to get some laundry done if my body will let me today.
Take care and God Bless,
Judy

A little update

Well, B.J.'s thyroid is fine, and her blood sugars normal, and everything except her triglycerides are good. The triglycerides are 228, real high for a 13 year old, so we are all starting to be on a lower fat diet. Less fried foods and more fruits and veggies. She hates it! She is the typical teenage kid, loves her fast foods and hates the good stuff. She is just going to have to learn.

I am doing okay, just fighting off the change of season sniffles and sneezes and trying not to let it get any worse. I am missing John a lot lately, don't know why I am missing him so much right now, but I am. I guess it is all part of the healing process, though I don't think I will ever "heal" from the loss I feel. I accept it, and I know that it is all a part of Gods plan, but sometimes I just wish I can hold him just one more time, and tell him how much I love him and always will. I just try to stay busy taking care of B.J. and my husband, and trying to get Becky on a better path. That is my life now, not much different from before, taking care of my family just minus one, because he is home with God now.
I just pray I can live a life that both John and God will be proud of,
God bless you all,
Judy