Hello all!

Hello all, just dropping a line and letting everyone know I am doing okay. The survey we took about how we are handling the death of John was pretty emotional, I think my husband and B.J. were crying as much as I was, but we made it through and I think in the long run it might help the social workers that help families help those who lose someone to cope better and know how people can react. I know it made me think and helped just to do the survey, maybe because I know that it might help others down the road.

Well, Christmas is just around the corner now, and to be honest I am not yet in the spirit of things yet. B.J. wants to put up our tree, but I keep putting it off. I know it will remind me that John won't be here and he always enjoyed helping decorate the tree and the whole spirit of Christmas. We got a special ornament for the tree, it has a place for a picture to be added and we had "in memory of John" engraved on it. I told B.J. she could do all the decorating, but I was adding that one ornament. That way John could "hang around" the Christmas tree with us this year and every year if only in our hearts. I can tell you this, most of the time I am okay, and deal well with the fact that I have had a child of mine to die, and will never get to hold him again unless I get to heaven too. But the "firsts" , you know first Birthdays, first Thanksgiving, first Christmas, are the worst days for me. Just the thought of Christmas without my baby brings me to tears and I dread it so much, but I will not let it show to much. B.J. deserves to enjoy the holidays and to keep living happily. I know she misses him too, and she is dealing with it in her way, and if she can enjoy the hard days, well, I will just try to enjoy them with her, and not ruin it for her. I just hope I can do John proud and continue to deal with my losses and be a great mom to B.J. and also to be a good Christian woman as I know he would want. He was my world, especially during his transplant, but I must now find my way in the world without him. Man, this really is harder than anything in life, and I hate it!!!!!!! But God wouldn't have chose me for all of this if he didn't think I could deal with it, so I guess deal with it I will. Well, gotta go pick up my oldest daughter from work, so I will go for now.
May God bless you all,
Judy