Man, time flies!

Well, time flies huh? It has been a few days since I posted, but things are going well. Friday was just another day, Saturday I started watching a 2 year old little boy for a friend of mine. That was fun! It has been a while since I had one that age around and I enjoyed it. I will be watching him every Saturday for a while, his mom has a hard time finding a Saturday sitter so I volunteered. Today has been a good day, Church was good this morning. We had singing worship service with songs about faith with Bible reading in between every 2 songs tonight for service, I really enjoyed it. I like singing, even though I am not that good at it. Then after services tonight we had a Home-made Ice Cream Social, and some of the members of the church put on a little entertainment. It was very funny, and I really enjoyed being with my brothers and sisters in Christ. The laughter was a great bonus too. Tomorrow I start my walking again, it has been about 2 weeks since I got any exercise, the first week was because of B.J. being sick, and last week was just a bad week. I have to get back into it before I start to gain weight again. I want to loose, not gain. Ha, easier said than done.

Well, everyone else in the Family is doing well, B.J. is over her pneumonia, Brad, my oldest, is working on getting his house built, and working, Becky starts to work tomorrow, any my husband works 6 days a week to make ends meet. So everyone is holding their own, and doing okay. Thank God everyone is healthy at least.

Well, I guess I will close for now. Remember to thank God for the blessings he gives, and make sure your loved ones know how much you care. We never know how tomorrow will turn out, so make sure everything you need to say is said tonight.

May God bless and keep us all,
Judy

A better day

Well, today has been a better day for me. I still am very emotional, but not so teary eyed, and not so down. I have done some scrapbooking as well as making some cards. If you haven't figured it out, I like to do crafts. I plan on doing some knitting tonight after I get supper done.

B.J. seems to be doing well, trying me of course just like most kids do when they hit the teen years, but I think I have it under control or at least mostly under control. She is doing well in school so far, and she made it through PE yesterday without getting sick. She likes to lay in her bed and watch TV and I am going to have to limit that and get her to do more to help me out and pick up after herself, but like I said she is like most kids her age and tries to get out of it.

My oldest daughter Becky, the drama queen, called today and it was actually good this time. She got a job today and starts Monday morning at 4am. Man she is going to be so tired that evening. She is my child that likes to stay up late and sleep in late. HA, she won't be able to do that if she has morning shift! I am proud of her for getting the job though. I hope it works into a full time position and she keeps it a long time. I even think she would do good becoming a manager after a few years, or at least it would be good in my opinion. That why she might be able to get a place of her own and start paying her own way. That is my dream anyway.

Well, I guess that is about it for now,
God Bless everyone,
Judy

Hard days

Today has been a hard day for me. I don't know why, maybe because I haven't slept to well the last couple nights plus the fact that yesterday was the day John would have turned 12 had he not died. I miss him a lot, especially on the special days. I know I will be okay, and that I have a lot more firsts without John. There is still Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas this year alone, not to mention the Holidays in the New Year. Every time I think about the fact that yesterday was John's Birthday, I tear up and get so emotional. I don't even feel up to going to Church tonight. I know I should go, but I have no more energy today. It was hard enough to just get up to take B.J. to school and pick her up. Then there was cooking and stuff to be done today. I just feel wiped out. I may try to go to bed early tonight, if I can get to sleep. The stress of the last to days have really took its toll on me.

B.J. seems to be doing okay. I think she is going through some of the same emotions that I am, but she tends to keep things to herself and not talk about it. I see she is holding something in, but I will ask her about it when I am a little more stable myself so that I can support her. It shouldn't take but a day or two, or I pray it doesn't anyway.

It seems like the last 5 1/2 months have just flown by. I can hardly believe that October is almost on us. Three quarters of the year is gone, and it seems like I just came home without John a few days ago. Does it get any easier? I don't know. I thought it had there for a while, maybe I was wrong, maybe I just have to go through ups and downs for a while longer. I pray I keep my sanity through it.

May God bless and keep us all safe and happy,
Judy

John's Birthday

Well, as I had figured today was an emotionally trying day. I have been on edge and on the verge of tears quite a few times. My boy would have been 12 today, had he made it through all the complications he had. I woke up at 2:00am this morning and remembered back to 12 years ago, that was about the time I was dropping the other kids off with my mom on the way to the hospital to give birth to John. He was born at 6:30am, then B.J. had her first asthma attack and quit breathing at the doctors office in her dad's lap at 2:30 that afternoon. Just like this year, this day 1995 was emotional and trying, just in a different way. But the good news is, I am fine or at least I will be fine. I can't say that I don't wonder why God set this path before me, but my faith tells me that it is the way that God wants it to be and that I will be fine. John is in God's hands, as we all are, so I know he is great, and God only gives us what we can handle. So, I guess it all boils down to just keep on keeping on, and let God do the rest.
May God bless us all,
Judy

Well, my husband over heard me talking on the phone I think, I think it was with my mom, but anyway, I said something that I shouldn't have said. I won't go into it here, it was more or lest something that was between my mom and me, venting you might say about our husbands. But anyway, he over heard and I hurt his feelings and now I am just bummed out so bad. I didn't say what I said in a negative way, or at least I didn't mean to. I thought it was a compliment, but it didn't come across to him that way. I am so sorry, but I do not know what to do about it, especially today of all days. I have been doing okay, or at least I thought so, but now I just feel like crying, my stomach is all torn up, and I just want to go somewhere and hide from the world. Lord please give me strength to get through all of this.
Bummed out,
Judy

Roller Coaster kind of day

Well, today started out pretty good. I got B.J. off to school, went to the church service center to help to clean up from all the activities of the last couple days, then went and picked up my mother-in-law to take her shopping here in town. Before we could get to the store, my cell phone rang, and it was B.J. calling to come home from school. I thought teachers were smart enough to know that you don't have a child just back from a bad case of pneumonia do 100% of the physical Education stuff. She didn't want to loose the 5 points for not participating so she went all out and almost threw up, and was pale and weak and wheezing when I got there. I brought her home and settled her in, she said that she was going to be fine and sent me to take her Granny shopping. So off I went to take Maw shopping, and things were okay, then I saw my husbands oldest son. I thought I had resolved my feelings about him, but when I saw him I was filled with so much hurt and anger, I didn't realize that a human could feel that bad about someone until that moment. I honestly have never felt so bad about anyone except him, not even my ex-husband. I have always felt sorry for people that hurt me in any way, I believe that people that hurt other people over and over again are truly pitiful beings that are so unhappy that they need to hurt others to feel better. But I am struggling with forgiving what my stepson did to his little brother and to our family. May God forgive me for the bad feelings I have toward him, and give me the strength to forgive and move on. It was rough on me to say the least.

My husband went to court today about the support issue. That is why the son was in town. But the case is delayed until next month. So more hurry up and wait to see what comes of that situation. My husband has always paid his support and done like a father should in a divorce situation, but for some reason his ex seems to think that he should pay the rest of his life, even though she is the one that walked out of the marriage and left him with little of nothing. Not even a towel to dry off with after he got home from work and showered. She just up and left him while he was at work. And you would think that since the one son is 19, and the other will be 18 before long, she would just let it go and be done with it and move on, but no. Anyway, I am trying to just let my husband deal with it, and leave it to God, the court system, and them, but it is driving me a little nuts. HA CAN YOU TELL?

Tomorrow is John's Birthday, he would have been 12 years old had he made it. Even though I miss him, I wouldn't want him back on earth, hurting the way he was, fighting to make it and going through the pain he was in. I know in my heart he is happy, and is better off than anyone left here for sure. But I do miss him, and I know it will be hard tomorrow. We are thinking of having Cake and Ice Cream in his honor for his birthday tomorrow. Just a simple cake, with "We love and miss you John, Happy Birthday" written on it. I know some people will think that is crazy, but my husband and I think it is a good idea, so We will have a small party for him, for I know he will be watching us always.

So now you know why I named this entry the way I did. I was warning you that my day has been a roller coaster kind of day.
Peace be with you all,
And God Bless,
Judy

A Great Day that Followed a Wonderful Night!

Wow, today has been pretty good. Church went well, and I learned a lot. Very inspiring and enlightening. I enjoy being able to attend church again. While John was going through his Bone Marrow Transplant, I didn't get the chance much to go to church and I missed it so much. B.J. was able to go as well, and of course that makes me very happy. She is getting her energy back, and working very well on catching up on her homework she missed while she was out of school the last week. My husband and I went out together last night, did a little shopping and went out to eat. It felt really good to just ride around and just be together. It has been almost 14 years since we were able to go out just the 2 of us. We didn't really do anything special, but it was great to just do it together.

So a great day that followed a wonderful night. God is Good! He has blessed me in so many ways, and I am thankful for all the blessings he has graced me with.
Until next time,
Judy

B.J. is feeling better.

Well, B.J. is feeling better, as a matter of fact she felt well enough to help with the Church Kid's Rally today. The older kids help to host the rally by helping with the groups and being counselors. They get a t-shirt and everything. It is such a good experience for them to help with the church and be good role models in being active with the church activities. I am very proud of her. I have enjoyed a little time to myself also. I plan on helping with the church activities next year, I am taking a year to just get used to staying home and not having to be at hospitals or doctors or home tending a child with serious health issues. In other words, getting used to a normal mommy life.


B.J.'s last progress report was even a little better than the first one, her lowest grade this time was a 95, her highest being a 100. Honor roll here she comes. She is in the school's beta club too. Can you tell I am a proud mom? She is a gem that is for sure. She can't decide if she wants to be a lawyer or a teacher. If she continues to study hard and do well, she will be able to do whatever she wants to so that is for sure. As long as she is happy and doing what she wants, I will be more than happy for her.

I am doing okay, getting over Becky's latest drama act, and just trying to enjoy some peace. It is getting a little harder for me the closer it gets to Tuesday. Yes, that is the day that John would have been 12. I know there are plenty of hard times to come, the first Halloween with out him, Thanksgiving, and Christmas to name a few. But his birthday will be one of the hardest I think, besides April 15Th of course. I know I will be fine, and I know John is in a good place, but I am human after all and I do miss him so very much. Here is one of my favorite pictures of him.
This was before his GVHD flared back up and we were home for about 3 months. Can you see the mischief in his eyes?

Well, I guess that about does it for now. Remember to tell the ones you love how you feel. You never know what tomorrow brings.

Thankful for the 11 1/2 years I had with this special young man,
Judy

The Drama Queen at it again!

Here she is the Drama Queen, and she is at it again. She called this morning wanting to know things about the child support case, and when I told her I would take care of it she got all mad and raised cane and then hung up on me before I could even let her know that she had mail here. Man, I only started going after the back support her dad owes me to help her while she lived here and to help her get a car, but she left and appearently she thinks she is going to get it even though she moved out of my house. Not if she doesn't straighten her life out, I will tell you that. That back support is the money that my husband and I had to do without while we were supporting her and not getting the support from her dad. In other words, ours not hers. Especially when she can't even be nice about it all. I worry about her, I know in my heart she is doing things she doesn't need to be doing, but I am not going to let her take advantage of me or my family. And if she calls and acts that way again, I will tell her not to call here any more. She only thinks of what she wants, and can get without working for it, not what she needs to be doing to take care of herself and get the things she wants and needs honestly. I don't know where I went wrong with her, but I know her dad really did a number on her and I am paying the price for it now. She is just like him, and I absolutely hate that she is. He is selfish, self centered, lazy, and only out for the easy for him. AHHHHHHHHHHHH! Man my day was going so well until she called.

On another note, B.J. is doing better and only needs a breathing treatment every 12 hours as well as only having to have her cough syrup every 12 hours. She is working on the homework that her friend brought to her. Thank God that she is getting better and that it won't be long until she is back to her old self.

My son got a new job, YEAH. He went out there and worked at it, and I am so proud of him. Their house is getting close to being done, and they started priming the walls so they can paint in a day or two. Hopefully they will be in it in the next week or so. Then they can sell the trailer they are living in now and be out from under that bill and in a better house.

Well that about does it for this ranting session! HA! May God bless and keep us all,

Judy

Hello again. Things are going well today. B.J. is feeling better, but her throat still hurts and is still coughing quite a bit. She is trying to rest and get over all of this, while also trying to get her homework up to date. She has a great friend who gets her work for her when she is absent. I am so thankful for that. She is a good kid. I did get tickled at her one day when she told me she didn't know if she could stand having a mom like me. She said I was to strict for her. I laughed and told her thank you, because that ment that I was doing my job. As a parent, I feel that sometimes it is more important that you do what is right for your child instead of doing what the child would want so that you can be "cool" to that child. Parenting isn't about being friends with your child, at least not until they become self sufficient adults. Then being their friend is so cool. That brings me to my oldest son. He and I get along better now than ever. We talk to each other with so much respect and love, it fills my heart. He got a new job, and starts next week. He had lost his other job and was very concerned about it since he just got a loan and is building their new house. But he went out there and found himself a job and called and I could hear the pride and happiness through the phone. He is a fine young man, and I am so proud of his work ethic, as well as family morals. My oldest daughter, though I love her dearly, is the complete opposit of her brother. She works only to get the things she wants, not to prepare for the future or for bills. She lives off of who ever will put up with her at the time. She left my house because she didn't want to follow my rules. And still to this day feels like she was doing enough and shouldn't have to help me around the house. She only worked part time, didn't save much for her to get a car and license, and wanted to sleep all day and go out with her friends and sometimes didn't come home until the next afternoon. I don't know how many hours I spent worrying about that child, wondering if she was okay, or just out "partying" with her friends. I still worry about her, but she is an adult, at least by age, and out on her own. I hate to be such a hard person, but it is time for her to get a dose of reality, or at least live off of someone else. I can't deal with her drama anymore.



My husband is doing okay. Work isn't to good, he is in construction, and until they finish their jobs they have started, they won't get paid. It may be up to a couple weeks, and that is going to be hard. He feels so bad about it, and when he feels like that he pulls away from me. I think it is so that I won't see how he is feeling, and so that I won't have that to deal with too. He doesn't want to "burden" me with it. I wish he would figure out that I worry more when he doesn't talk about it. Oh well, we will get through it no matter what. I love him more every day, and I will help him even if he doesn't realise that I am doing it.



This next week is going to be a little rough, so I guess I am warning everyone who reads this. Monday my husband goes to court due to his ex-wife wanting more child support. I won't go into how I feel about that, but needless to say it really can be frustrating dealing with ex-spouses. Then Tuesday is John's birthday. He would have been 12 years old on that day, had he made it through his GVHD complications and transplant. I still miss him so terribly, especially on special days. I know he is happy and in a better place though and that helps. He lead me back to the Lord with his faith and strength during his life. And he taught me a lot about patience, and kindness. I try every day to do something that he would be proud of, as well as what God would want me to do, and I thank the Lord for every day that I had him here on earth with me. We are all here because of the Lord God, and when he calls us home, we can just pray and hope we lead a life that will allow us to return to him in heaven and to the ones who have gone on before us. That is my prayers, that I can be a good christian woman, and earn the right to be in heaven when it is my turn to be called home.



Well, I guess I have rambled on long enough for now. Take care and live life to its fullest. Like my favorite saying goes,
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
Judy

Well, Here is my new page to journal my life after...

You might be asking after what? Well let me tell you, this is life after diagnosis of Fanconi Anemia for my son John, life after his Bone Marrow Transplant, but mostly, my life after his death on April 15Th of this year from complications with GVHD after his BMT. Yes it is difficult, but Life goes on, therefore the name, My Life After...

So now that I have introduced you to myself, here is what has been happening lately. My youngest daughter B.J. has had pneumonia this week, and man it has been a long week and it is only half over! I had forgotten how long the days seem when you get little sleep from a child being sick. The hardest was when she looked at me and said,"I don't want to die mommy." She thought that since her brother's last admission into the hospital was due to breathing difficulty, that she was going to die too. It broke my heart, but I had to just take a deep breath and talk her through it. I just thank God that she is feeling better, and her IV is out, and she didn't have to go inpatient to be treated.

I also have an 18 year old daughter, and a 20 year old son who is married to a great young lady. They are all doing well, and no longer live here with me, but we talk almost every day.
Well, I guess that is a good start for now, I will be posting whenever the mood strikes me to journal, as this is not just for my friends to keep up with me, but to keep a journal without actually writing it down on paper. So until the next time, Remember that God has us in his capable hands and may he bless us all.
Judy